New Years Resolutions

OK Folks,

As sure as eggs are eggs, the old year has passed us by at an alarming rate.

I’m sure the seeds of time fall quicker the further on life’s journey we travel but that’s the sort of philosophical bullshit I’ll leave for other better qualified luminaries such as Keith Chegwin, Mr. Blobby and errr, George Galloway.

Just what the hell is that man doing??? As if it wasn’t weird enough an MP appearing on naff (but oh such compulsive viewing) reality TV show, Celebrity Big Brother, I hear that yesterday evening he was in a dressing gown, acting like a pussy cat and getting stroked by “actress” and ex-wife of Dennis Waterman, Rula Lenska.

And to think this man had the entire US senate by the balls just a few short months ago. If only they had this TV footage to discredit him at the time, then the senate might not have been made to look so feeble and useless by the Scottish MP.

But (and not for the first time) I digress…

As is common for most of us, this is the time of year where we take stock of our lives. We reflect on the past 12 months and look forward to the next twelve, usually (if you’re like me) hoping that the next year will be better than the previous one.

It’s also an opportunity to wipe the slate clean. To start afresh. To get your act together.

Hence our penchant for making New Year Resolutions.

It’s not something I would usually do, but this year I’ve decided to make a list and not only that but I’m going to use this moment to share them with you. I wonder if yours are similar?

So here they are. In no particular order:

In the year 2006, I will endeavour to:
(and to assist you I have broken them into little sub-sections – very thoughtful of me, eh?):

Drink less
Eat healthier
Do more exercise
Sleep more

Read more
Write more
Laugh more
Cry more
Smell the roses more
Smell my farts less
Keep my blogs down to a shorter length (Hoooorrrrayyyy!!)
Make my blogs more frequent (Booooooo!!!)

Basically, just get myself sorted!!

Personal (and this might take a while…)
Spend more time with people that care for me as much I do them
Spend less time with egotists, bullies, users, arseholes and twats
Avoid women who are Psycho Bunny Boiler Chicks / jealous / manipulative / beautiful (who wreck my head)
In fact, fuck it, I’m avoiding women, full stop.

Let me explain:

The year started off well, had a dip mid-spring, became a little bit nicer for a while at the start of summer, then became confusing as the summer progressed and then petered away to a depressing slump by the end of the year.

But hold on, if I reflect on the year past and indeed the past few years, I’m perhaps being too hard on the female species because don’t get me wrong…..I LOVE WOMEN!!

I think they’re a great invention. Every one should have one, but MY GOD how they can turn a quite normal care free life into a torrid existence of torture and torment.

But as I write these words to vent my spleen (as I so often do), or get something off my chest, I feel a calming influence come over me. It’s like the harder and more frantic I batter this keyboard, the more at ease with myself and the world that I live in, I become.

So having calmed down just a little, I am now able to see more clearly and can see my predicament…..


Hence my existence as a monk over the past few months. Some more of the same this year please!

OK – I feel better after that one.

Thanks for listening. The rest of the world – lock up your daughters!